the persistent echo of being

self portrait friday : flightless birds

the story emerges - untold secret beautiful tales

*      *      *

Listen

My words come to you softly,
beckoning your gaze, pleading
gently. Like the sweet aroma of 
cinnamon on a lover’s breath,
I entice you to taste of me.
Let my wings of refuge cover you.
Shelter yourself in my abiding shadow.
Listen as I whisper your name;
heed not the brazen language
of the siren’s seduction, sweet
lips that open to a shallow cave of
ravenous slaughter.
I wait for you.
I weep for you.
You hear my voice, indistinguishable,
cloaked in silence that you despise.
Tuck yourself away; masquerade and
camouflage as you wish.
My yearning for you will not be silent.
Erect your screen and don your shroud;
your hood and beard
conceal nothing from me.
My light reveals your silhouette.
Every contour of your body I know
and identify with desire.
Your heart lies bare at my feet.
Cover it as you will, even the angels
are aware of my proprietorship.
How long will you deny my claim?
How long must I await your assent?
Gladly I tarry. My want for you wanes not
as I whisper my name into your ear,
even as you turn to face another.
As you sojourn, I remain beside you,
ever watching for the day you reach for me,
turning your eyes toward me at last,
finally discovering the depths of my intent.
Even now you hear me as my voice
comes in velvet twilight, covers you with
misty stillness, comforting, shading, even in
sleep I call you, call you slightly, tirelessly.
Can you hear me?

(by 'bluesandbarebones')

*      *      *

flights of thought to where only you know

find me here, i've landed. show me your arms, your own set of wings. i need to see them

*     *     *

When you are at a cross road in your life, you are at a point of choice. Each choice has an element of either the past which will repeat itself; the other is the pending future that you have desired. One is familiar and easy, but the other takes courage and belief…in yourself.   ~Carolyn Greenleaf

{winter solstice}

Things to Do in the Belly of the Whale

Measure the walls. Count the ribs. Notch the long days.
Look up for blue sky through the spout. Make small fires
with the broken hulls of fishing boats. Practice smoke signals.
Call old friends, and listen for echoes of distant voices.
Organize your calendar. Dream of the beach. Look each way
for the dim glow of light. Work on your reports. Review
each of your life's ten million choices. Endure moments
of self-loathing. Find the evidence of those before you.
Destroy it. Try to be very quiet, and listen for the sound
of gears and moving water. Listen for the sound of your heart.
Be thankful that you are here, swallowed with all hope,
where you can rest and wait. Be nostalgic. Think of all
the things you did and could have done. Remember
treading water in the center of the still night sea, your toes
pointing again and again down, down into the black depths.

(Dan Albergotti)

paths of light and special moments remembered

looking withing....looking up.....looking beyond

summer concert series : Adele crush - continued

quite a few posts ago i dedicated an entire 'girl crush' post to Adele. well...it hasn't eased up. i just, very simply and matter-of-factly, adore her. i like everything about her so much that i don't see this ending anytime soon. i'm sure i will have this ongoing girl crush my whole life. i'm ok with that.

when i look at pictures of her or read an article about her, three words come to mind every time, and those are: "she's soooooo beautiful." because she is. her heart and voice, the way she perceives the world around her with her old-soul knowledge, her humor and the way she looks are all just so gorgeous. i joke often that i want to marry her.

a part of me that runs deep inside resonates so easily with her.

i liked her a lot before her new album, '21' came out, so when this new one that is such a huge hit arrived on the airwaves i searched it out and started loving it immediately. i looked up her tour and when it came around that she would be in the Minneapolis, i made a point to go. to make a long story short, i didn't find anyone at THAT time that loved her as much as i did and would commit to going, so i hesitated. normally, i would just buy 2 tickets and figure the rest out later. the concert sold out and tickets skyrocketed from about $30 to $300+....then, she became ill and had to cancel her show. i cannot tell you how hard i tried winning tickets even. i actually was glad, selfishly, that it cancelled because they would release more tickets and i was FOR SURE going.

acquiring the actual tickets is quite another story, but i'll wrap it up short and sweet to just say that i sat glued to my computer and refreshing my screen every few seconds from the moment they went on sale and for the next 2 hours before i got some. they were THAT hard to get! when i finally got some, i didn't even care where i was sitting, i was just so happy i was able to get there.

 

anxiously awaiting her arrival onstage....it was a packed house!

see that huge vinyl black banner with her pic on it? pretty sure i REALLY want that. somehow i settled for a t-shirt and a white 'someone like you' pillowcase instead. i love, love, love the script black writing on the white. it is so my style. (the pillowcase is hanging above a favorite paiting of mine that is hanging above my bed)

*sigh* this is a form of heaven

chatting with the audience in between songs

i have heard people remark about how her shows get sold out when 'all she does is stand there and sing'...there is no prancing around with fancy moves, no elaborate setup (but hers was simple and elegant and perfect) and no costume changes. she bares her soul when she sings and you can feel it. her humor and wit engages the audience. at our show, she had us spontaneously help her videotape a greeting for her friend in London, and then later stopped the show to bring a fan up on stage for a photo with her (i was jealous! haha). she is just so real; it's all about her music, and nothing more is needed. it was amazing to say the least. i was on cloud 9 for the rest of the night weeks...

still oozing musical bliss and concert happiness

 

and THEN, recently it was announced that she was going to offer a DVD of the concert. (editors note: i adore the song 'set fire to the rain'). i about died. it's basically the concert i was able to see. we got to sing along, song order, and such. YAY! i asked santa for it for christmas (which i guess means i'll have to buy it for myself probably since the only gifts being exchanged this year are me giving a few things to my boys...not really an exchange then....) so maybe MAYBE i'll be lucky enough to get one. that would be so fun.

 

Get More: Adele, Someone Like You (Live), Music, More Music Videos

  four days after the concert, still fresh memories of how great it was, i watched this live, and just sat there with my mouth open, tears running down my cheeks. indeed, you watched along, too.  mind swirling, it was amazing...breathtaking

 

i love adele! she has the ability to evoke all kinds of things with her words and music.

so brilliant, i doubt we will ever find someone like her.

summer concert series : all for the opening act

it's no secret that music is something that fuels my soul. i rarely am in quiet; music is constantly streaming somewhere around me. not always the same style of music (mood based i guess) either. i tend to have a knack for finding the 'odd' artists and songs that people around this area have never heard of. i haven't quite yet figured out if it is this geographical area that is out of the so-called loop or if the artists really are that unknown. but often, i have found that i will discover a song/artist, play it for my friends who at times give me an odd look, but then frequently after about 6-9 months, the song finally starts hitting some airwaves around here. by that time, i already considered it a favorite.

two years ago or so, probably my favorite male song artist was in the area to perform two different shows only a few months apart. i missed both shows and the person i had intended to go with and myself were quite bummed. seeing either show, or both, would have been special, memorable, and cherished. from the first time i heard his songs, i knew i was already 'in love' with his music, and all --- not kidding --- ALL of his songs resonate with my soul and it's heartstrings.

as i perused the show calendar for him for this year, i saw that he was going to be the opening act to 'owl city' and knew that even though an opening act gets less time than the main event that i wanted to go see him live. he went above my expectations by playing more than just a few songs. he probably played 10 or so, which was fantastic. he played two of my favorites, and when he played one of them my knees actually almost collapsed and i had to grab ahold of someone next to me. i thought i would faint. anyone that knows me well knows how i think and believe, and that was not because of ogling of the performer. that happened because of something much bigger than myself. if there was a song inscribed upon my soul it would be that one, and i felt an energy that overcame me enough to do that.

i won't ever forget it, for i know it definitely came from connected soul strings and it was beyond special....sacred even.

 

mat kearney above : owl city below (darth vader, too)

permanently etched in my heart, memory....like so many times i've listened to him before, in the car, dancing, singing along, and countless lovely moments

reminiscing artfest

that i did not just push this post under the proverbial rug really speaks loudly of how far behind on all i have wanted to blog about i am. also how badly i do not want to allow my behind-ness to keep me from documenting all that i want to. on the flip side, registration for next year has been underway for about a month now and so this girl is already excited for new adventures!

i literally took probably many multiple hundreds of pictures at artfest this year. still, as i retrace my steps through photographic evidence, i see gaping holes of things that i never captured. this still blows my mind. artfest is a life changing thing and very, very hard to put into words. fortunately, i have been lucky enough to have a huge 'behind the scenes' viewpoint of this event as well as being able to fully participate in it. teesha, the amazing mastermind of artfest posted a wonderful blog entry about this last year and all of our preparations for it. it can be found here. i grin very huge when i read her comment, "... and 2 attendees who have attached themselves to our group (but work their butts off for us)" part. those 2 people are myself and the guest i bring with me each year. haha. i love it. she is amazing (simply put) in every single way. i feel like she and her family are my family almost and i miss them all dearly during the year. it hardly feels like 'work' at all prepping for the 600 attendees and teachers to come because we all have such a blast together in the quietness of Fort Worden before the flood of creative souls spills in.

i have perused my artfest folders for what seems like forever now and i tagged so many that i wanted to post. ugh. i am not sure how this is going to work, but this could very well be the longest blog post in pictures i have ever composed...

swooped up at the airport and taken to the ferry for the 1.5 hour journey to Fort Worden: always magical no matter how many times you go on it

goodbye seattle, we will see you in 5 days

  
this is what getting ready for the attendees looks like behind the scenes: prep, fun, fun, followed by food, prep, fun, goofing off, prep, fun. something along these lines...

celebrity sightings by the handful

with the lovely and talented Sunny Carvalho. Her work and blog can be found here. I have several of her pieces and they are so full of spunk and are among my favorites in my collection! She is a genuine soul of light and I love her dearly.

the best of times = together

can't get enough of the beach

 
deer that wander up to the fort. so tame, they're everywhere. this takes me back to home

two days of my classes were with the amazing misty mawn. i was partial to the all black and white class

misty mawn (find her blog here) is one of the most gifted and heartfelt artists i have been lucky enough to get to know and to call my friend. i look forward to seeing her each year, and once a year is simply not enough. i guess i will just have to go visit her ;) i love this woman.

jesse reno during the artist chef challenge: they have one hour to create something amazing from a little bag of odds/ends. jesse, however, defied all rules and used just paint. he can get away with it. look up his blog here.

the one-of-a-kind miss nina bagley and i during the rush of vendor night. i miss and love this woman with my entire heart. she is a light in the darkness and besides uber talented, she is a kindred spirit. please visit her soulful blog here.

the sea and we

relishing in the undeniable magic of the fort.

after the 600 attendees + teachers depart the fort we (the crew) cleanup and head out to enjoy some mexican food and discuss our thoughts/ideas on another successful artfest

i also got some lovely cuddle time with my dear tiphoni. arfest leaves you full, renewed, and tired! there's no one quite like her, i relish in her quirkiness and spirit. visit her blog here. i miss her a ton.

the annual photo-op and hug. i have teesha to thank for soooo many wonderful things in my life. i will always be indebted to her.

back to seattle and a visit to snoqualmie falls in the famous constant drizzle that is expected in the northwest.

 
the next few days blanketed with journaling at the artfest annex in downtown seattle (teesha and tracy's studio), exploring and hanging at tiphoni's studio, coffee, beer and shuffleboard with the gang, sightseeing, togetherness. it went way too fast.

if one image could sum up the wild acceptance of the odd/unusual and amusing aspect that would explain what a trip like this entails, it would be hard-pressed to be anything other than this one of me while we were journaling and playing around at the artfest annex in downtown seattle.

 
the smiles, coffee and friend time at the airport before the dreaded flight home and saying goodbye for now

bye-bye, seattle and friends. north dakota beckons me home. i will miss you dearly.

and today, as i reminisce (and contain my excitement for next year) i am almost halfway into the time that will pass before i return. i cannot wait.

self portrait friday : heart cracked open series - reverie (part 3)

...and all around that enclosing, grasping, tangled distance

peering within, without, and to the inside...far beyond just you and me

i see. i know. we know that glistening truth it in all it's effervescent clarity

something much bigger than what we know of, but it is all the we believe in

has brought us back, and back we shall stay forevermore

*      *      *      *      *      *      *      *

Total Eclipse
From How to Save Your Own Life

Not wanting to write
for fear that anything--
the passion for the page,
the love of carbon ribbons & erasers--
will distract me from your face,
from your eyes green
as the flickering base of flames,
& your tarnished copper hair.

My love is thick as rust
& just as hard to scrape off.
It glows like the green roofs of paris:
it shines in the sun like dropped pennies.

I fix on your face
until I am blurred & bleared,
until my eyes cannot focus
& all words become one.

Oh let me write you into my life!
I am afraid of rust & tarnish,
but even more afraid of this gleam.

When my eyes have taken you in,
when my body has eaten
& spat you out,
when my heart remembers to beat
& my fingers remember the pen--

will I still remember you then,
boyish & sly--
yet a total eclipse of my sun?

 Erica Mann Jong

self portrait friday : unbridled

hearts resting together beneath one passionately whispering sky

hearts tangled, resting upon velvet skin, smashed together,

creating the only home that is truth

 

*      *       *      *      *      *      *

We Learned

The decorum of fire. . .
-Pablo Neruda

We learned the decorum of fire,
the flame's curious symmetry,
the blue heat at the center of the thighs,
the flickering red of the hips,
& the tallow gold of the breasts
lit from within
by the lantern in the ribs.

You tear yourself out of me
like a branch that longs to be grafted
onto a fruit tree,
peach & pear
crossed with each other,
fig & banana served on one plate,
the leaf & the luminous snail
that clings to it.

We learned that the tearing
could be a joining,
that the fire's flickering
could be a kindling,
that the old decorum of love--
to die into the poem,
leaving the lover lonely with her pen--
was all an ancient lie.

So we banished the evil eye:
you have to be unhappy to create;
you have to let love die before it writes;
you have to lose the joy to have the poem--
& we re-wrote our lives with fire.

See this manuscript covered
with flesh-colored words?
It was written in invisible ink
& held up to our flame.

The words darkened on the page
as we sank into each other.

We are ink & blood
& all things that make stains.
We turn each other golden as we turn,
browning each other's skins like suns.

Hold me up to the light;
you will see poems.

Hold me in the dark;
you will see light.

- Erica Mann Jong

summer concert series : meeting an idol

so...once again i'm behind in my blogging (errr, grrr) as two weeks have gone by without an art post, a self portrait post, though I have pictures I've been editing...and all that other good stuff. would you believe it if i said i have a special folder on my desktop of photos waiting to be blogged?? yes, i know you would.

so i have to start somewhere, right? and why go all the way back when i can share something super that i experienced this last week *insert cheesy grin here*

going back to my 'girl crush' post, i know i had mentioned one of my favorites, Brandi Carlile, there. i'll admit i didn't know about her until the first season (i think?) of Grey's Anatomy where her song, 'the story' was featured at the end in a type of season montage. i was hooked instantly. her voice is so soothing to listen to, so heartfelt as if she were reaching down into her own soul with her vocal gift and showing the world some of the deepest things that lie there. i have been to her concert now three times and every time it gets better and better. thankfully, my great friend, Amanda, has always come with me and so we can share in that excitement together. each time we have brought along various friends who haven't really heard much of her and they come out feeling very similar to us. she is easy to adore.

 the concert this last week proved to be no disappointment. we had a fun evening planned of dinner, the concert, and then post-concert drinks downtown. the opening band, "Ivan and Alyosha" were really great, and we got to meet them afterwards and visit awhile. they definitely are worth listening to, though my mind searches for words to describe what i think their style would be, i am at a bit of a loss. so....go google them! :)

(our random but very fun group of 6)

(pre-concert dinner...excitement building!)

(concert roadies!)

(getting to know the opening band, "Ivan and Alyosha" from Seattle)

the drummer got on and started doing his thing which was very neat (drummer's always know how to pump up the crowd, don't they!) and then Brandi and her crew jumped onstage to open with "Dreams"...one of my favorite songs of hers (though i'd be hard pressed to pick only a couple favorite songs). of course we all went crazy! it was the best time. i laughed during the concert and i cried during it, mind filled with things dear to my heart, got up on my feet several times, clapped wildly, and i even shouted out that i loved her (which surprised even me. yes, i'm not that shy, but i have moments of shyness that shock even me. i can't quite reconcile it). haha. i giggle remembering it.

i kept looking back towards Amanda, a row behind and a little to the side of us. this marks the second year we have gone but not been able to sit next to one another. boo on that pattern. when we discovered that tickets were on sale we both hopped onto our computers at work and promptly purchased as many as we each could (though we were unable to sit together) and we didn't have a clue who would take the extra tickets from us, but we knew we'd make it work. and it did. it was so fun. it ended up being 6 of us altogether which was honestly a really fun number of people to have. none of the other ticket-takers had been to her concert or knew a whole lot of her stuff before the show, and some of them had never really heard anything. but i think everyone had a great time.

probably THE highlight of my night was after the show. Brandi announced that she and the band would be out at the merchandise table to sign autographs and such, but that no photos with her would be taken due to time. when we got out there, the line was long. and we were at the end. not just towards the end....no, the END. everyone wanted to head over to begin the post concert celebrating and have a drink. i was kind of a downer for them in that i decided to stick it out and told them to go on without me, that i'd catch up.

it really did take some time. finally when we got up there, and i was basically the last one or near it by now, i was super excited. she was being so kind to everyone, not fake in the least. she is the mark of a genuine soul. ahead of me there was a boy on crutches. she asked him what had happened to him and he told her. among the things he said was that he had been learning to play guitar. she reached over and grabbed a songbook for him, autographed it, and handed it to him for free while telling him to keep practicing and get better, then come back. it was very neat to see that. finally, when my time came i was so excited that i was getting all teary-eyed. it is that moment when you want to say something super great, but are too humbled to really speak almost. among the things i said was that i had been so moved by her music, and that even though she probably heard it all the time...i thought she was amazing and loved coming to see her shows whenever i can. she signed a CD i had with me and a t-shirt i bought from her a few years back. she wanted to know what my name was (how easily you leave out details in these situations, haha).

the brave moment came when i asked her if she would take a pic with me if i was willing to wait until the end...and she said sure!!! ahhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!

i was on cloud 9!!!!.......i was over-the-moon happy!!!! what a lucky girl i am!!! i still feel excited about it when i talk about it! only one thing was missing, but it was perfect otherwise. a very very happy night!

self portrait friday : heart cracked open series - reverie (part 2)

quiet waitings and tender ruby openness: untangled bits of bliss

seeking the together leads to finding, the awakening, always stemming from the longing

the bare unforgettable longing which never ceases

...this we know

*     *     *     *      *      *      *      *

The Long Tunnel of Wanting You
{From How to Save Your Own Life}

This is the long tunnel of wanting you.
Its walls are lined with remembered kisses
wet & red as the inside of your mouth,
full & juicy as your probing tongue,
warm as your belly against mine,
deep as your navel leading home,
soft as your sleeping cock beginning to stir,
tight as your legs wrapped around mine,
straight as your toes pointing toward the bed
as you roll over & thrust your hardness
into the long tunnel of my wanting,
seeding it with dreams & unbearable hope,
making memories of the future,
straightening out my crooked past,
teaching me to live in the present present tense
with the past perfect and the uncertain future
suddenly certain for certain
in the long tunnel of my old wanting
which before always had an ending
but now begins & begins again
with you, with you, with you.

-Erica Jong

self portrait friday : heart cracked open series - reverie (part 1)

unraveling your deep, indigo gaze as only i can

a glimpse that quivers my breath, containing all of me

in the part of me that only you reach

until i bring you to my arms again forevermore

 

*     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *

The Puzzle

They locked into each other
like brother & sister,
long-lost relations,
orphans divided by time.

He bit her shoulder
& entered her blood forever.
She bit his tongue
& changed the tone of his song.

They walked together astonished
not to be lonely.
They sought their loneliness
like lost dogs.

But they were joined together
by tongue & shoulder.
His nightmares woke her;
her daydreams startled him.

He fucked so hard
he thought he'd climb back in her.
She came so hard
her skin seemed to dissolve.

She feared she had no yearning
left to write with.
He feared she'd suck him dry
& glide away.

They spoke of all these things
& locked together.
She figured out
the jigsaw of his heart.

& he unscrambled her
& placed the pieces
with such precision
nothing came apart.

-Erica Jong