the lost and the found

Part of my being lost recently has involved "disappearing." When I get so down and despairing I have realized that I started to purposefully get myself lost so that I can find some way back. The more I think about this the more I see it as something I do not understand. Perhaps it is my way of taking control. Also, perhaps I have come to understand that when I feel this way the best thing for me to do is leave for a little bit because I have reached the point where I am no good to anyone, and certainly not myself.

The good in all of this is that I get peace. Quiet time for my mind to think about anything...everything. And it truly does wander so many places even though one thing weighs on my mind and heart so heavily that I cannot urge it out no matter what. I have come to accept and actually welcome that presence in my mind and heart and find comfort in it mostly. When I take this time for myself I can laugh at silly things, cry at little things, sing loud in the car and drink yummy coffee or I can just not say a single word. There are no expectations. My time is whatever I make it to be and this is all very good and welcoming.

The bad thing is that I don't tell anyone at all where I'm going. It is almost as if I am scared of being found in my own bliss and forced back to a reality I am not ready for...a reality that is embedded unto my heart and one I think of constantly. Oh I am never gone for long. Perhaps an afternoon and evening. I have gone for a day which didn't seem long enough in the end. I am never out of reach for my children, but to the world I am out of reach. Or maybe the world seems out of reach to me?

I am slowly accepting this is part of my journey. Each day I am given the gift of being able to walk further on down my path. I am learning. I am making mistakes. I am growing. I am not regretting. Yes, I am getting lost; but truly I am being found.

I wandered. I looked all around. I felt everything. I breathed.

I found treasures. So many of them. Some I could grasp and keep, some I had to let go of...

I wrote poems and sat next to a body of water that could welcome my tears of joy and sorrow, of forever and love, of grace and promises, of stillness...

I recognized signs of love and an open heart. I am listening to the commitments that are born out of my own soul, for those are the strongest kind.

Our bond is no little economy based on the exchange
of my love and work for yours, so much for so much
of an expendable fund. We don't know what its limits are--
that puts us in the dark. We are more together
than we know, how else could we keep on discovering
we are more together than we thought?
You are the known way leading always to the unknown,
and you are the known place to which the unknown is always
leading me back. More blessed in you than I know,
I possess nothing worthy to give you, nothing
not belittled by my saying that I possess it.
Even an hour of love is a moral predicament, a blessing
a man may be hard up to be worthy of. He can only
accept it, as a plant accepts from all the bounty of the light
enough to live, and then accepts the dark,
passing unencumbered back to the earth, as I
have fallen tine and again from the great strength
of my desire, helpless, into your arms.

Wendell Berry (excerpt from "The Country of Marriage")

Comments

[Julie Jacobs]

Hi, I found your blog in the current issue of Artful Blogging. Not only are your pictures wonderful and unique, but I thank you for your transparency in "being lost" although I definitely think it's good idea to let at least one person know where you're going! So inspiring, and beautiful, I'll be back, thanks again for sharing.

[ria nirwana]

Hello, girl.....I loooove your blog! Just found out yours from artful blogging.
I'll be back often...that's why I put your link on my blog to keep me remember!
Have a nice day! :)